Sunday, May 31, 2015

Whats On My Mind

Typically, a major/minor  jhatka is what sends me blogging. This time it is the fact that my parents returned to their home after spending a nice 2 whole months with us. They house was full of noise, discussion, people and of course, good food. Both B (isnt that what I called my husband on here? I forget) and I totally enjoyed their company, planning outings, getting hot breakfast in the morning, not having to worry about daily chores etc. It was superb!

They left early today morning and the house feels woefully silent. I'm sure tomorrow, back to work, it'll be less depressing, but still. I miss them like hell.

Coming to work. It has had its moments. I knew what I was getting into, and now, having gotten there, I am not exactly gung ho about it. Other times, I'm enjoying and learning. Hmm. Kya karen?

On the whole make or not to make baby issue. (Heh. Thats almost redundant, because, In India, babies are reffered to as issues :-)) B and I decided to go ahead and try. We'd give it our best shot (eww) and woudn't be overly disappointed if it didn't happen given the fast diminishing ova and other things. We are trying to eat healthy, exercise and stay stress-free to increase our chances. But its easier said than done. We both have pretty stressful jobs, and, when we come home, there's my father in law to deal with. Even though we have 24h care for him, its still very draining to simply witness what he's going through. He now has Parkinsons in addition to his dementia. He cannot process a simple instruction like "stand up". We count our blessings that he is still very mild mannered, and doesn't yet show signs of agitation/aggression etc. But I cant help wonder, how long this is going to go on, and how sad it is for him, to have such a low quality of life, and for us, especially for his son, to watch him whither away in such a painful manner.

So yeah- I'm still not convinced about the baby thing. Friends who've had them are all about oh wow how fulfilling it is- yeah sure! If'you've spawned another human being there's bound to be an overwhelming sense of pride/responsibility/love and all of that. I would never deny that. What I wonder is, how bad would it be to NOT go through that? I guess thats for me to find out.

I still hang on to my freedom, including freedom to go get an alcoholic beverage whenever I feel like, or get on a plane/train and travel to a new place, or stay back late at work to get something done. I've also realised that my patience bank is limited, and I've expended a good deal just with dealing with R2I, living with B's father and all of that. In sab ke beech mein baccha?

Whatsapp has quite invaded and pervaded our lives in all sorts of ways. I'm not most thrilled about it. Meaningless forwards, tacky good morning messages, silly jokes (all of which I'm also guilty of fw-ing sometimes :p) I could totally do without. What is worse when the same joke comes in from different people/groups.  What I love, is how accessible it has made some of my close friends. Especially those that are saat samundar paar and would be very expensive to call as often as we now exchange msgs on whatsapp.

I've been wondering a lot about the sanctity and boundaries in marriage. Whats ok, whats not? Is having a close buddy of the opposite sex ok? Is going out with them to drinks - without your spouse ok? Is beginning to care for their well being - in a very human way  - ok? Is harmless flirting OK? Is having cosy whatsapp conversations with them OK? What is harmless flirting anyway? If it doesnt involve sex and it doesn't offend the flirtee does that makes it harmless? What if it offends the spouse of the flirter? Who's to know or tell? Sometimes, I don't know. Also, btw,  what's healthy flirting, while we're at it? :p

We live, we learn.

I've a lot more on my mind I wanted to dump, but I'll stop here for now. The weather's perfect for an afternoon snooze.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

On Being Political

I've had a small whiff of office politics while I was at my earlier job. My reaction was one of distaste and "I can keep myself above this and do my work" but I didn't have enough time to realize if it was working or not.

I've learned a whole lot since then, about bullshit and the peculiar variety called corporate bullshit. My husband taught me almost everything I know about negotiating at the work place. How to ask for something, how to stand my ground, how to be tactful. He has also reiterated to me many times that I have to evolve past being a "straight shooter" because real world is not ideal. I am finally getting the hang of what he means.

I've now come to a point where I willfully embrace the politicking. I feel confident that I can tell bullshit from real, know when to take stuff seriously and when not to, when to faff superficially, and, how to react to statements, read between the lines, and how to detect bluster and not give it any attention. Somewhere I feel like I've lost a small part of me, but that doesn't bother me too much.

Overall, its a very empowering feeling.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Back to the grind

Yeah! It took me exactly two months to go from joblessness to getting back to a job.

I ended with two offers on my plate, and took the one that had several clear advantages over the other. Is it my dream job? Perhaps not. But it is a step towards my dream job, like Sheryl Sandberg advised, and so I took it. It has its risks, and several known devils, but which job doesn't? I am excited and looking forward to doing my best at it.

A friend remarked that I had just the right period of joblessness- not too short so I could relax and unwind, and not too long that I'd get bored and restless. He was quite right. At first, I almost felt sad that my aaram ki zindagi was over. But that's only a small part of me. I did feel bad that I didn't go through all the items on my list. But my lists have always been overambitious. So here I will focus on the ones I did accomplish in my downtime.

1) Paper- almost there. Not out the door, but that will happen very soon. I give myself a 6/10.

2) Odd jobs and fixits around the house- Got a lot done!

3) Socialize - met one blog friend (yay!). Reconnected with a couple more. OK. pas mal.

4) Enjoyed myself- random lunches and coffees with B while he was slaving away at work, explored the local markets, walked about and discovered nooks and crannies in the neighbourhood, and felt thankful all over again for the move back to this city. :-) Here I give myself 10/10!

5) Got fit- addressed one niggling back issue. Did not lose weight like I hoped to, but that's next.

So I think the one I totally flunked out was to learn driving. It is the least appealing of all.

In other news - I learned this awesome trick from my husband - to get rid of water that's entered your ear- put a few more drops of water into the same ear, and as soon as you feel a gurgling sensation, tilt your head and jerk the water out. Worked like a charm!

In the whole to make or not make baby department- we are still undecided! That doesn't mean we are agonizing or losing sleep over it but well- let's see.