deep_thought

I never understood why people put so much emphasis on getting hooked. To me, being single has always been as much as a lifestyle choice, as being in a relationship. I have seen people badly want it: want the companionship, want it as the next phase in their lives, want the TLC, or whatever being in a relationship gave them that single life didn't. I don't really remember feeling that way..which is not to say I wasn't out there, looking for my own potential mate. I did my bit and so did my parents. I was lucky in that my parents were mostly understanding about letting me do it my way, giving me my space and letting me take my time. It never became an urgent priority for me, so between phases of diligent searching (online and offline) and phases of utter disgust for the mate-finding system as it stands, especially in the Indian context, I just trudged along.

It's about a year now since I started seeing someone. The timeline is hazy though- not clear when we graduated from meeting/testing the waters to seriously dating etc. I've been sharing the news with several friends over time, and the happy/excited/relieved(!) reactions make me feel warm and as if I've achieved something. :) It only seemed fit then to share such a significant news on this blog..I decided to publish a post I wrote way back in August, but found it too personal to post then. It's a bit weird now to me reading such an old post, but its nice to be reminded of how far I've come in this relationship thingy, and why it might be such a special thing, after all. So here goes!

------Cut back to Aug 08------

I'm seeing someone. A guy who made the cut. So I guess I sorta kinda took a small leap. Small step for most people, but acknowledging a relationship is definitely a big step in my book. The decision was gradual and not easy at all. To shake myself off from my happy-uninvolved status to actually let someone through all the walls I had erected around myself was a lot of work. Its still work in progress..but I am liking it. In the beginning there were fun times, the nervous excitement and soon enough came the apprehensions and self-doubt. Predictably, I stopped it in its tracks..afraid that it was all going too fast-even after a good few months. I found that I'd rather go the whole hog than walk on egg-shells. I want the freedom to take liberties, to give, to expect, to enjoy the ride without having to impose checks. And I've met someone who has made it all appealing. In spite of all my cynicism and fear of being involved, I've come to realise that I don't have it in me to be restrained or hold back when it comes to emotions and relationships. Probably why it is always that much harder for me each time. So I let go a bit. I decided to count on my gut instinct for watching my back while I just went ahead and enjoyed myself.

Its been fun. Heady. Interesting. I am embarrassed to say I have had my moments of giggly, girlish bashfulness and excitement while discussing it with my sister and a couple close friends. They are all shocked at me. But thankfully, that doesn't go on too long.

Planning my work life now, because I can't cop out of every date due to last-minute work is going to be hard to get used to. You can blow off friends every now and then (they just stop inviting you eventually), cancel on yourself all the time, but when its a hot dude, you don't want to cancel. :p So I guess this enforcement of some organisation in my life is a very welcome change. Being answerable to another is not easy. Accommodating and making plans keeping another person in mind is very hard! I have, for the longest time, been a get-up-and-go-as-I-wish person, making my own plans, fiercely guarding my independence. The emotional entanglements are the hardest. But often they just feel like the natural next step. So I'm playing along, letting go, a little bit at a time. And seeing where it takes me..

Seriously planning a future together with someone is downright scary. So we are not going there yet. Except very subtly. It's both presumptuous and not at the same time. There are still moments I think its not late yet, I can drop everything and run out the door. Go back to my uncomplicated uninvolved life. For what? I ask myself? So I can procrastinate endlessly and live in chaos again? Yeah..there's a certain freedom to that chaos..but there's more to life than that freedom and unfettered independence...and I think I'm beginning to appreciate that all over again. That, and the chocolates. And someone to enjoy my cooking. And the ability to be unreasonable and get away with it. :) And yeah..other assorted fringe and not-so-fringe benefits of being in a relationship. ;) And as far as the fear of getting hurt goes, that does pop up every now and then. Those times I tell myself that I've seen worse, and I can deal with it much better now. But nothing comes easy, and this is something I am willing to work for, to take risks, to put myself out there.

OMG OMG OMG! she said "relationship"! THRICE! *faints*

---------------
:)

Posted by The_Girl_From_Ipanema at 7/14/2009 08:29:00 PM | 15 comments Links to this post    

I think I've made my peace with whatever was weighing down on me..sort of proud of myself for such a quick comeback. Yay!

There will always be some amount of prevailing blues/nostalgia/missing someone who had gotten to be a very integral part of my life: of subway rides, city-exploring, visits and day-to-day life-events. But such is life: and that seems acceptable to me, now.

I am still torn between understanding how much "effort" one must put in a long distance relationship, and how much should be just left alone, to take whichever course it takes.

Was reminded by different people in different contexts that I have been admired by them for my foresight and maturity. Lapped up all of that and appreciate the votes of confidence. :)

Some good summer days have finally shown up! Am enjoying walking about the city, figuring out the subways and streets.

Posted by The_Girl_From_Ipanema at 7/13/2009 08:31:00 AM | 6 comments Links to this post    

I love making lists. I make lists of things-to-do, things-to-buy, things-to-tell-someone, places-to-see, etc. etc. etc. Then I like to categorize, prioritize, all that fun stuff. Google docs takes all of this mania to a whole new level. I love it! :)

I made a to-do/to-see list with B* starting from my days in Philly. We managed to finish most of it, but then it was time for me to leave Philly. We promised ourselves we'd go back and finish the things that were left on the list. But I was moving to a much more exciting city, and the Philly list faded pretty quickly.

Since I moved here, we got a new list that was rapidly evolving. The past 5 months, we went down the list, off the list and came back to the list. This time it was B's turn to move out: not just out of this city, but out of the country. We began to attack the list with a new sense of urgency. Prioritizing, labeling and categorizing like there's no tomorrow. (OK, that was just me). When it came down to the precious last couple weekends, we decided to let it all go. We picked people over places, impulse over plans, and ended up allotting time to do nothing instead of planning something. I am glad for all the things we left undone, that let us do all the things we ended up doing, and made them that much more special.

*: I guess B needs some introduction on this blog, perhaps sometime soon I will get around to it. :p

Posted by The_Girl_From_Ipanema at 7/09/2009 01:00:00 AM | 8 comments Links to this post