Sunday, November 05, 2006

"You've changed"

No, no, this is not a repost. Really.

Aside: Some days ago I was going through my own archives on my blog. (Heights of nikamma-giri). I discovered an inherent pattern to the posts- a few WTFs, a few whiny homesick posts, a few ridiculous happenings, and a few rants- repeat, replay. Reoccuring in a sequential manner, like re-runs. Got me wondering- is that all there is to my life? My life summed up in 40-odd posts? ::Shudder:: :-)

So today I was the one telling myself "you've changed". Some changes have crept in, slowly, before I could catch them, and they became me. Some changes were deliberate steps I took- and now I'm not sure I want them anymore. Some changes were forced- thanks to circumstance, growing up, or well..change in the weather, even. And some changes were just plain inevitable, they had to happen.

The sum of all these changes is not a picture I like completely. I don't like that I've become a rather impatient person, with no tolerance for other peoples' quirks, even if a bit unreasonable. These are people that matter, and I should be able to take them for what they are. I don't like that I've become a little selfish over time; putting myself first. I have always gone out of my way to help, or even please others, and now, I do less of it, more of what pleases me. I am not sure about the huge indifference that has become a part of me - it's very useful at times, but still surprises me. I guess a lot of this can be chalked up to growing up, or growing old, even. But I wonder if that's an easy shield to hide behind, to not want to face or do anything about these changes, because explaining them is so much more convenient?

There are several changes I am happy about too, so I guess it balances out somewhere.


qsg said...

Change is good. We all change. And we learn to put ourselves ahead of some because we realize that if we don't watch our back, no one will! You gotta survive! Welcome to the world of grown ups! :) You are still the person I knew before, just as likeable - don't worry! You were just as impatient and intolerant before! ;) *runs and hides for cover*

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

shaani. look who's here! it's so nice to have you back, i will not take offence to your nasty comment. :-)

qsg said...

Nasty? Nasty? That was nasty? You don't know nasty! Nasty is when you call ppl and they don't talk to you! That's nasty! Hmph!

toe-talli challenged jane said...

Just like old times in here, eh? :P Welcome back, Gems, and also, welcome back lajjo!! :P Wasn't the post i was waiting for, but a post nonetheless! sing david bowie's song 'changes' while you're a-changin' :P

pravin said...

you could view those 40-odd posts as snapshots of your life

Born a Libran said...

Weird... I was just thinking about the same thing yesterday... That I have become more selfish with time and that I have learnt to put myself before most other things... I still havent sorted out my feelings about this change though I know what you are saying..

Anonymous said...

Believe me you are in a much better place. I think I am getting more confused as I am growing up.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

that sounds terrible! i wonder who does that! ;)

:-) tera post aayega re. no mood at all. :(

hi pravin!
yes, i guess i can.. i just want more varied snapshots ;)

weird indeed. well- i'm glad i'm not the only one.

confusion is a part of the growing up experience. enjoy it! ;)

greensatya said...

That's one of the advantage of having a journal. One can track so many things about oneself.

Anonymous said...

It is interesting to see that you have mentioned a few traits you dislike, but just fleetingly mentioned that there have been positive changes as well.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

true that.

hi anony,
it is interesting, now that you point it out. that was the way my train of thought progressed- discovering the bad traits got me thinking, and then i realised that there were some good too. may be i'll do another post on that ? ;)