Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Life is all about choices

If you have to choose between missing the bus, having to wait another 20 mins for it in the cold, and reaching home an hour later than planned- all because you drank too much coffee and really *have* to go back into the building to use the rest-room OR, just holding your breath and waiting it out in the cold, I'd say pick the first.

Buses come, buses go. Bladders and a nice pair of jeans don't come that easy.

I am proud of the choice I made today.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

F*** EVERYTHING

I am tired, sleep deprived and I want to quit. I know I really don't want to, but I want to. I hate this shit. I don't know what will help. More time? I had that a few months ago. A miracle, may be? Where experiments will just work with the snap of a finger? But then I wouldn't be in this business. I have never felt this desperate. Willing to do whatever it takes, but it's still not enough. So I give some more on top of that. And still nothing. What I really want to do is not quit, but take this head-on. That's how I have always reacted to things. But it's amazing how crippling the fear of failure can be. How, when you attach so much importance to something, it paralyses you and renders you totally non-productive. There's something to be said about being detatched from one's work- I wish I had learnt that trick.

And the whirlpool of self-flogging is always there, to consume me when I start going down that route. So much as I try to avoid it, put up a bright front, and focus on what needs to be done, I hit road blocks that drag me into the dumps. At a time I simply cannot afford them.

So close, yet so far. How long is this shit going to go on?

It can't be that hard. What am I missing?

Friday, January 26, 2007

Clenching and grinding

my teeth, you sickos. As in bruxism.

Bruxism is the unintentional grinding and/or clenching of the teeth. It is often associated with activities related to stress such as concentration, exercise, computer work, driving, anxiety, lack of sleep.


So says this bright pink flyer they gave me at the dental clinic today. Apparently this is the cause of my headaches and ears ringing and pain while yawning. Heh. The dentist advised that I should avoid the "unintentional grinding and clenching". Unintentional being the key word there. I don't know if he understood.

You know how they say "DO NOT think of an elephant" and... Yeah. Ever since I came back from the dentist all I've been doing is clenching and grinding. My teeth, you sickos.

Friday, January 19, 2007

STRICT WARNING

Email subject: WARNING.

Dear TGFI,

If you do not submit your manuscript draft to me by Monday, Jan 22 I will report you to the graduate-student-procrastination-police.

Yes, there is one. You never know about them until your sixth year. They are keeping track of chronic abusers and offenders.

From: your-supervisor@your-univ.edu

Turns out, our university email system can be hacked. One can go into  their own account, and change the sender's name field AND email id field to anybody else. So I can make my emails read like they are coming from "My. Supervisor" ( my-supervisors-id@my-univ.edu). For more fun, I can also set the "Reply-to" field to direct replies back to my original email id or a new email id that i can set up to look like the fake sender's. Think of all the entertainment value this has.

For now, I am now sending such threatening emails to myself. One day, soon, she will actually send me one such email, and I will laugh it off. Wolf Wolf story ho jaayega.

Monday, January 15, 2007

What I'm up to

Rant rave whine bitch procrastinate run away self-motivate breathe deeply
growl snarl kick inanimate objects
bang keys
cut paste delete all type save document back up back up back up
try to stop time
laugh because i can't cry :)


do not expect much on here. hope life is treating everyone well.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

It's privilege

not priviledge.

Just saying.

grr

And while we're at it, y-o-u-r your is a possessive pronoun. y-o-u-apostrophe-re- (you're) is you-are. Implying an action.

Your grammar sucks.
You're welcome.

aarghhh.


P.S: This post is an awesome idea to vent my pet issues on matters of the written word. Watch out for regular updates. :-) And feel free to add your own.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Bringing up the grandparents

Being the younger of the two siblings, I have always had it rough. And then people talk about how the younger kid is spoilt. I just don't get it. I wore hand-me-downs and discarded clothes of my sister for the longest time. Until I realised the only way I'd ever get new clothes is to eat my sister's share of food so that her clothes could never fit me. And don't even get me started about baby pictures. My sister's childhood pictures fill tomes. But there's like a few photos of mine here and there. Sometimes, in a bid to appease me, my mom will try to pawn of some of my sister's baby photos as mine. Apparently the camera stopped working by the time I was born. The only few photos that are there of mine, are of me as a bawling baby. Oh god- there I was, crying my infantile lungs out, and all my parents could think of was "hey, let's click a photo of her!". Perhaps it was a rented camera they had to return the very next day or something. If we lived in the U.S, I am sure social services would do them in just based on that evidence. Growing up, all those sisterly quarrels - and the disparity never escaped me. The whole "woh tumse badi hai na" was constantly thrown in my face. I desperately hoped that would change some day, and finally wisened up the fact that that would never change.. I was doomed. Anyways, enough whining. I braved all the atrocities and guess I turned out okay. Life goes on, and I definitely do not hold any of this against my sister. What's she to do , anyway?

A little over a year ago, my parents became grandparents. Kavita, my niece, is the apple of my eye. I have always been crazy about little kids and when kavita was born there couldn't have been a more proud aunt. What I didn't see coming was my parents transformation into doting grandparents. All that childhood trauma is coming back again. So I talk to my sister here on a daily basis, and she updates me on every new thing in Kavita's life. It is all so exciting. Often I wish I lived closer to them so I could see her more often. Whatever I was missing out on seeing live, my mother decided she would make up by way of repitition. So whatever Kavita does and says, my sis relays to my mom, and when I spend my precious calling card minutes to call India and talk to my parents, my mom repeats all that to me. All that could be said in a cingular-to-cingular free phone conversation is now being expressed over trans-atlantic phone-calls. For the second or third time. Recently my sis and family made a trip to India. Ofcourse, my parents had a blast with their darling grandchild. While they were there, my phone calls to India were rendered completely redundant. I'd call, and the phone would pass from hand to hand. Nobody had the time or inclination to talk to me. Ah well..I knew it was a matter of time before my sis and mom started arguing over the T.V and I decided to wait until then. All good things must come to an end and kavita and her parents are back. Now each time I call home, the phone conversations go something like this:

Mom: we are really missing kavita here..you know what she used to say..
Me: mom, she's just a year old- she doesn't really say much yet.

But my words don't even make an impact on the smitten grandma. So I am about to get into this whole saga about how my experiments didn't work and my mom simply overrides me

Mom: so, did u talk to akka today? What is kavita saying?
Me: Mom, you talked to her 12 hours back. Between then and now, a new hair has sprouted on Kavita's india-return takloo head

Mom of course, doesn't find that funny.

Mom: But you talked to her after I talked to her..
Me: yeah, kavita was having her nap then.
Mom: Poor kid must be jet lagged.


One fine day I acquire some methi (green leafy vegetable) from the indian store so am all excited and decide to cook it before it rots. So after a tiring day in the lab, I call my mom.

Me: Mummy, give me your recipe for alu-methi.
Mom starts giving me the recipe, but gets side tracked into: what is kavita saying these days? did you talk to them today?
Me: Yeah mom, they're doing fine. So what do I do after the alu and methi have cooked?
Mom: Why don't you conference call akka now...
Me: Mummy, it is 12:30 midnight. They are sleeping.
Mom: Oh! then what are you doing up so late? OK now goodnight. Go to sleep. Call on the weekend when akka is also around.

Thankfully, for moments like this, there's google and I somehow find a way to cook the damn methi and go to bed.
Well, I shouldn't be complaining. Atleast my parents have forgotten to bug me about my marriage!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Long time no see

The first week of January flew by, and it's scary. There's a reason I haven't blogged, apart from lack-of-bloggable-content.

SO. Somebody I know (as in know in real life, not all you blog-bots pretending to be people out there in blogsville,) is reading me. I know you can't control who reads you and all that jazz, this being the internet and yada yada yada. But I don't like it. I will do the only thing I can- politely request. So this is a public announcement. Please stop coming here. It makes me uncomfortable, and I might do something as silly as running away to a new url . Again. Only this time, I won't leave any footprints. It pisses me off that you're reading this, and I'm hoping if you realise that it bothers me enough to put up this silly threatening request, you will stop coming.

Thanks in advance.

Normal programming will resume after I feel more comfortable about this space.

After all these months of blogging, you'd think I'd be over this kinda shit. What to do? I'm not. And I am well aware that there are ways of people reading my blog and me never finding out about it. What you don't know doesn't hurt you, right? But when I see it- staring in my face, I cannot be all cool and pretend that I don't care, or that I'm above it all..Cos I'm not.

Go away, stop snooping. There are better blogs out there, and there are better things to do where you are. Or not??? ;)

Monday, January 01, 2007

2007 is here!

Cut back to 2 weeks ago, the atmosphere on campus was a weird mix. Of cheer, shopping mania, exam tension, and "I've got to finish this before I leave for break" type stress at work. The roads to the malls and stores were choked with traffic like I've never seen for a while in this town. At work, all equipment was booked and all machines were being used overtime. There were several holiday parties, lots of eating, drinking, meaningless chit chat, annoying questions and weight gain. Then, all of a sudden, there was like a mass exodus with everyone leaving town. Then came the calm- we had awesome weather for December, and although the die-hard winter fans complained, I was happy. I could enjoy a brisk walk to to the lab and not feel like I couldn't feel my face anymore. Some experiments worked (yay!), some writing was done, (yay!) and more job-search attempts bombed. (boo). I enjoyed being the phantom of the town, the only one walking or driving around, the outside calmness often in conflict with the flurry of going-ons in my head. All the equipment at work was freed up and I was making full use of it. Closer to New Years saw people getting back into town, the crowds were returning, the bad drivers resurfaced, the traffic jams came back. They say now this is the traffic jam of people going to return all the gifts they got for Christmas. Hah! It was quite interesting to witness the town wake up after a week-long slumber. New Year's eve saw cop cars dotting the streets all around town, in a bid to curb rash and drunk driving. It was scary and reassuring at the same time.

2007 is going to be exciting, to put it mildly. More experiments have to work, more pages have to be written, and a post-doc job needs to make an appearance, somehow. :-) This blog has been one of the nicer things that happened in 2006, a willing outlet for a vent, some creative indulgence, a way to "meet" lots of awesome, fun, and caring people. Here's wishing all the readers of deep thought all the things they wish for in the new year!