Because I can never tell you all this to your face. And even if I did, I doubt you'd understand.
Do you ever think of me? At all? I have supposedly moved on too, but you're always on my mind. I am guilty of all those silly things estranged lovers do. I e-stalk you. I run searches of your name everyday, and go on read and devour everything that comes up against it. Searching for clues in there. Reveling in some news that I saw coming. Taking pride in the places you're going. I spend time thinking about you, about how things were, how things could have been..how they will be... And of course, I compare what I have now with what we had then. Will we ever cross paths again? I'll be honest, a small part of me has not entirely given up on the idea. The decision to move so far away, to distance myself from you was entirely mine. Of course it was great while it lasted. We had our ups and downs, our highs and lows, and finally it was time to split ways. Still, every once a while, I can't help lose myself to the nostalgia of the past, the excitement, the new-nesss of our relationship, the fun in the discoveries, the fun in the "firsts". It was all so heady. The very mention of your name still makes my face light up. The other day I happened to be near the convention center, and guess what? Apparently it was the a.t.c.d. meeting 2008! I had no clue! It was our meeting! Remember? So I peeked in from outside, and caught a glimpse of what looked like you, in green. Green always brought out the best in you. It was a full auditorium, and a talk was in progress. But I couldn't tear myself away. I hung around, outside, listening intently. Staring at you, in spite of myself. Until L pulled me away. "You've moved on!" she chided me, as she saw that look in my eyes. I loitered around some more, posters with your name on them catching my eye automatically. Sigh. You haven't changed that much. But even I can now see you in a different light. It's amazing how a little distance puts so much perspective.
This is not a misery-laden i-miss-you sob story. It's more of a i-think-of-you-fondly-and-well-i-still-am-curious-about-you confession. Ex of course, refers to the little obscure parasite I studied for five years in grad school, before I made the move to the big bad world of mice and men. Sigh.