Lots of random disconnected thoughts invading my head. Typical of a slightly stressful time with deadlines looming.
1) I've realised I've a huge fear of "finishing". Am in the process of tying up loose ends in my project here, and can't get myself to put the "final" stamps on things. Keep wanting to redo, wondering if I can repeat things, when its abundantly clear that a) NOBODY CARES and b) there is no time even if someone did. So why don't I just cut loose and let go? I've finishing issues and letting go issues. Some of the resistance to call something "Final" I think stems from lack of confidence in my own work. To keep thinking it can be improved upon. Have struggled with this lesson earlier, every time I had to submit a paper and then finally with my dissertation. I must not let it do me in again. I should learn that this is an ever-evolving process, and the claims I make are right within the framework I present them in. So long as I'm not making over-reaching claims, I am correct, and that is that. And that is all I have the ability to do right now. And all I need to.
Must not fear finish! Must embrace and celebrate finish! :)
2) Been thinking about other confusing and absolutely unrelated issues too. Like marriage. And having a baby. I've had a very strong maternal/nurturing instinct in me for the longest time. Now I see my sister and b-i-l struggle with daily issues of bringing up my niece, and hold up a relationship, a life together and it all strikes to me as extremely challenging and makes me wonder if I can ever pull it off. If I even want to. I guess seven-odd years of living by myself, for myself (long distance relationships being a "convenience" at that) have made me very comfortable and possessive of my life as my own. It is, after all, the only way I've known, so I'm pretty clueless about any other way. I feel like singlehood offers one set of challenges and married life a different set. It's hard to qualify which is better than the other. Atleast singlehood is reassuring in that whatever challenges come your way, you only have to think of yourself. There is only one variable in the equation, one opinion, one individual at stake. Selfish. yes. But safe. And bereft of so many complications that the alternative presents.
It doesn't help that in order to actively resist the social imposition that "well-wishers" have thrown at me time and again about "finding someone", I've built up a very strong defense against the implied necessity of having to share your life with someone. I strongly uphold the notion that while it's nice to be able to share your life with a special someone, it is, at the end of the day a lifestyle choice as much as staying single is, and not an absolute necessity as most people have you believe.
And so when I sit back and think of it all, the single life strongly beckons, as a very attractive alternative.
Garbled thoughts. Will be readdressed. Right now I'm listening to some awesome santoor by Pt. Shivkumar Sharma to calm my nerves, and looking forward to playing pretend games with my niece. :).