Tuesday, April 29, 2008

JUST EFFIN DO IT ALREADY

I'm in a funk since yesterday, 10 am. Yes I've been clocking how much time I've been spending (or pretending to spend) on this analysis. It's something I'm new to, not very good at (yet) but nothing but the best will do it for me (and my boss). So really, its an effin miserable situation. I cannot get up and do anything else because this work keeps haunting me. I tried the get up and take a walk, get a pep talk, get coffee, blog, sleep. Everything. Getting more and more miserable by the hour because of all the other work that is getting held up because of this. Going down that slippery slope of hating myself and all that fun stuff.

Only one thing can help and make me feel better. Getting this done. One small data set at a time. That is all. Block out all other thoughts of my worthlessness, of all the other shit that needs to be done yesterday, and JUST EFFIN DO IT. I've written out the steps on a piece of paper and am just going through the motions, one by one. And now I think I should turn off the internet too.

GRRR.

I've got to stop this

I know i am overdoing it, but I can't help myself. It's a normal urge, but its unhealthy when indulged in so much. I am beginning to worry if there is a deeper reason for it all: some kind of depression or insecurity. May be its because I've been denying myself cheese and fries and chocolate and all those bad foods I love. May be I should just go get a work out more often. Ever since I went and bought myself that.. er.. contraption.. I was at it every other day. Now I find myself doing it at least once a day. Some days it makes me happy, other days it depresses me. It always works better with clothes off, though. When it fails to make me happy, sometimes I blame the contraption. Which is even worse. Every time I start, I tell myself I must stop it. But its right there, so easy to do, the idleness of the exercise making it that much more easy to give in to. After all what's a single girl to do? I tell myself that its a phase. There is no point fighting it. This too shall pass. Very soon I shall overcome this obsession of checking my weight daily.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Weekend with my niece


(Or when I was the kid with the coolest toy on the block)

When I was a kid, one of my favourite fun things to do was to sit in the window, blowing bubbles through the finger-holes of a small pair of steel scissors using a solution of genteel. Over time, we had come to the conclusion that surf and other cheap detergents did not make as good and long lasting bubbles as the more expensive ones like genteel. Of course, my mom had no idea I was using up her expensive detergent or endangering myself with the scissors. Across from my building, another friend blew bubbles in her balcony and we whiled away hours like this watching our bubbles flit away or collide. Such fun!

I hadn't visited my sister for over a month now and was longing to see my niece. To make it worse, I had picked up this giant bubble maker a couple weeks ago from a store while window shopping, and couldn't wait to try it out. Finally, I made the trip this weekend and the big bubbler was the prime attraction for all the kids that lived down the street. Some of the little girls even traded "playing with the boys" to come and chase the bubbles. My niece, of course, wanted to be the one that made the bubbles as well as the one that chased them. :) So much fun came!

On blogging

Sometimes the blog is to resolve thoughts that are messing up the head and are important enough to figure out.
Sometimes it is to get rid of insignificant thoughts taking up room in the head and unworthy of any indulgence or consideration.

Sometimes i read back and wonder which was which. Perhaps I need to start labels after all. :p

Thursday, April 24, 2008

W.O.M.M. #n+1

Damned if I do, damned if I don't pretty much surmises it for me. I am getting sick of this tussle. Must remind myself to be nice to me, give myself some time, be easy on myself and learn to shake things off and move on.

The weekend is here! It's been a busy week. A few good things happened and my face says it all. The joke in the lab is that one can tell the state of my cells (The cells i work on) by looking at my face. Yesterday the cells were happy and glowing, and so was my face. :) A week or two ago when things weren't going too well, people were actively keeping out of my way in the lab and I hadn't even snapped at anyone! :)

I have some totally bizarre flashbacks in my head sometimes. Especially when I'm really busy at work doing something monotonous or repetitive. All of a sudden, that street outside the building I used to live in back in bombay flashes past. Today S uncles flat in versova, and the quadrangle in front of their balcony flashed through my head. I don't even know why! Often it is the galli outside my college, and sometimes even streets of lutom. Weird.

I am going to make baingan ka bhartha tonight.

n= the previous WOMM. :)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My kinda guy

Is straight, single and available. :)
Can look beyond gender-stereotyping and chauvinistic attitudes.
Speaks/ writes good English, has a way with words.
Has a good s.o.h.
Doesn't ask me what s.o.h means. ;)
Has a passion.
Can laugh at himself.
Can cook. (Doing dishes can compensate to some extent for lack of this trait)
Can make intelligent conversation and indulge in meaningless banter.
Is self-assured.
Is trust-able. trustworthy.
Lets me be me: caprice, unreasonable-ness, workaholic-ness, forgetfulness, silliness, indiscipline, independence, all included.
Is taller than me.
Is less commitment-phobic than me. :)
Makes an effort with me.
Gets me.

E & O E

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

gym-darshan

The weather is finally looking up and I went to the gym yesterday after ages. It was fun. Finally I can bike around again! I got to see t.v. The guys in my gym in Lutom were way cuter. But I got to catch up and chat with some folks I knew around the univ. And yeah, I also worked out a bit and burnt some calories, only to be replaced by eating ice-cream later.

I'd consider it a productive evening.

Monday, April 21, 2008

So misunderstooooo..d

The hard part about being misunderstood by the ones you care about the most, is the feeling that you have disappointed them somehow. In addition to the feeling that they have let you down by not giving you the benefit of doubt, and jumping to conclusions and judgements. And you wish it could all be fixed but sometimes you just let it slide because you're tired and cynical and don't want to deal with it. Or because you are reminded of the times you did try but it all backfired, and that puts you off. So you wish it away or quietly stew. Meanwhile it builds up. More and more. Until the damage can no longer be undone. The repercussions are all over the place and if it was hard earlier, it's impossible to do anything now. Where do you start?


And the worst thing you could then be subjected to is them saying "It's okay, I love you anyway".

When did we stop caring?

Starting trouble

Painfully slow start to my monday. Partly the weather. Gloomy and undecided whether it wants to rain or not. Partly me..and the stupid annoying voice in my head. I hope I can silence it soon.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

30 min incubation notes #1

W.O.M.M got boring. I needed a new title. So this one refers to posts written while waiting for little tubes of cell extracts and enzyme cocktails to do their thing at 37 degrees C. [Don't tell me I can read a paper in that much time or organise my lab notebook. Don't.]

I haven't blogged in a while. Work is flying out of control. There is absolutely no discipline in my life and I really need to get a handle on that, otherwise this is not going to fly. But this rant has also gotten old and boring. The good thing is I am still making it to work early morning. So that is a start.

I also had a few internet-free days at home (bloody verizon) and I very much enjoyed it: not dealing with those dolts, but this extra free time at home that was not sucked up by the www. Next step in self-discipline is to try and have some "pretend-network-down" days when I come home from work.

I had an out and out girls weekend with two close friends from my high school days. Girl talk, good food, shopping, giggling and a spontaneous trip to Atlantic city and seeing Asha Bhonsle who happened to be performing there the same day! The concert was fun, although the crowd was pretty dull.

I have never been the biggest fan of shopping: spending hours inside an air-conditioned building going from one brand name store to another is not my idea of fun. But doing it with girlfriends occasionally can be quite enjoyable. And the outlet malls are more fun than a single mall building because you at least get to walk outside some, between stores. :p And new clothes (and shoes) are always fun! :)

My need for "my space" sometimes bothers me..even if I know that this is natural after having lived on my own for seven years now. I have mentioned this earlier too, and it was nice to see many agreements in the commentspace. I was never like this ..have always been a people person and this slight impatience that wears me down in company is relatively new. Even amongst people that I am very close to and can effortlessly have a good time with, I can only take so much. The same extent of joy that I feel when friends first arrive is felt soon after they leave and the apartment is silent and empty again. The excitement with which I get on the train to go visit my sister or a new-found friend in the city lasts pretty long, but there is an equally strong happy feeling of anticipation on the train ride back to my apartment. This after having a whale of time with the visiting friends or the people I am visiting. And I don't remember feeling like this a year ago...

The fun weekend induced-high seems to be crashing right now. Sunday evening sadness is setting in, for some reason. Small nagging thoughts bothering me. I know exactly what I need to do to put somethings to rest, I just don't do it: sometimes because I am trying to fool myself into thinking that I don't care or it doesn't matter. When clearly it does, as it sits there, gnawing at the back of my mind. Other times I guess I'm just scared/lazy/really don't care. Whatever it is, I wish I'd just deal with it and move on.

I am going to start learning portuguese. The word of the day is saudade. Lovely word, no?

Time up.

30.M.I.N sounds way cooler than W.O.M.M.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

About kali billis and such

Yesterday was a rotten day in tgfi-land. Irritation after irritation. Small spat with the bossman. Seems like the honeymoon has finally ended. Which i think is a good thing. Much anticipated experiment bombed. So much work went into it, too!. Sigh. As more shit happened, I kept thinking, why wasn't there a warning sign? Really! No black cat crossing my path, no eye twitching, nothing! More frustrations at home involving moving furniture and 2 hour phone calls and being kept on hold with verizon effin internet support. I went to sleep tired and frustrated. This morning, as I walk out my door, I sneeze thrice.

heh.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Monday morning blue post

Thinking of the good times and wishing it weren't this hard to miss them. Life can be a real bitch sometimes, but most of the times I do all the work.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I was just kidding

I am pretty guilty of using that line every now and then: ( and its not to save my face, i really was kidding ) but chatting with a friend just made me realise how frivolity has taken over most communications and interactions these days. Hyperboles are used generously and when someone says "oh my god i am so frustrated i could shoot someone" you never really can guess when its really that bad. Tempers flare easily, impatience is the order of the day, rants are spewed at the drop of a hat, mindless casual flirting is all around. Chatting and sms (and blogging :) ) have made these things that much more easier. People bare their souls to any and every one. If you're getting to hear someone's heartfelt stories, its not so much a privilege, as it is that you just happened to be there. If its not sharing of deep and dark secrets, its mindless banter. "Timepass". There are no lines. Anything goes. I never know how much weight to attach to conversations or interactions these days. Hard to differentiate between "timepass" and words that are really meant to convey the meanings they mean. People crib galore about the smallest thing (yours truly included) and manufactured drama abounds in everyones life. Perhaps an indication of how easy we have things: that allows us the time and luxury to bitch about each and everything under the sun. Also perhaps an indication of some kind of prevailing emptiness, that we rush to fill up with things that mean nothing.


I also think that i suddenly sound like my grandfather.

saturday morning

is better than friday night.

and thanks for all your comments. see how i've grown up and refused to bite? i am so proud of myself.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

New Comments Policy

comments will be answered on a need-based manner. or not at all. in a bid to do away with redundancies of the "lol" or "i agree" type. personal questions like demanding to know what street i live on or what i ate for dinner or which conference i'm attending will be ignored. paranoid police will follow your ip closely. More personal comments dissing hrithik will be dealt with in the strictest manner possible. expect to be banned.

you know i still love you all? thanks for reading and commenting.

thanks for understanding.

It is ringing*

Random notes

Dear S,
i wish you'd stop. really.

Dear C,
i wish you'd call.

Dear TGFI,
i wish you'd realise that you cannot make people stop or call. Or anything, for that matter. So stop dwelling on it.

* title is a reference from what awesome movie now?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

w.o.m.m #15

I had too much to eat for lunch. I want to take a nap.

I'm in a scientific slump these days. I lost all the four cell lines I was working on 2 weeks ago. Still haven't figured out why, but I am starting anew now. The episode has pushed back experiments by a bit. It's not like I don't have anything else to do, but I'm tired of doing "routine stuff" and want to do a real experiment. Something that involves the suspense of "what happens if" and "how does it look when"..

To displace this feeling of "i don't have anything to do" Let me make a list of what I need to do

1) Plan and prep for experiment A (FCs, I,W, TC, RTPCR)
2) Order stuff for experiment B (Dn)
3) Complete analyses for revisions for phd paper. (yuck)
4) Start making poster
5) Revise hypotheses

Sadly, none of them appeal to me right now. I'd rather go downtown and watch movie after movie at the film festival.

Sigh.

Soundtrack of the moment

(Different from s.o.t.d)

(Inspired from this blog)


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Mild aelurophobia and insomnia

Now I know there are a lot of animal rights people etc around here. While I am not guilty of any kind of cruelty to animals, I must admit to being quite animal-unfriendly. Part of it is just that I am a wuss. When I was a kid, the lesson "let sleeping dogs lie" was conveyed to me in a very literal manner. I was probably 6 or 7 years old, when I went to play at a friend's place. While leaving their house, there was this little puppy dog, "Rusty" lying asleep outside their neighbour's house. I could've just walked by, but the innate keeda in me propelled me to go and stomp my feet near the dog. Rusty woke up and started yelping and I began running and screaming bloody murder. Rusty chased me all around the quadrangle and I clearly remember how my terrified screams brought everyone out into their balconies and windows to see what the hell was going on. Finally this one tall bhaiyya came and picked me up and then I began screaming "mera chappal! mera chappal" because at some point during the chase I had lost one of my chappals which was now in Rusty's mouth. Bhaiyya went and retrieved the chappal and only then I calmed down.

That's only one of my encounters with dogs. Then of course there are several other random street dog chasing me type encounters that we all must've had, but somehow, I seem more scarred than the regular person. Now I have gotten over my fear of dogs for most part. Atleast in the US, pet dogs are really well-trained and disciplined and I have learned to be friendly and just pet them and get it done with. I also have issues with dog slobber all over me but that is another story.

But my cat-phobia remains. I don't know what it is about cats that creeps me out. While I was growing up, we had cats fighting outside our building every night, and that was the creepy sound of cats miao-ing and rasping and whimpering in hunger that I often slept to. Perhaps that is the reason they creep me out. I dont' know. I am definitely very uncomfortable around them. Those shiny eyes that peer at you..that mewing snarl. All of it gives me the creeps.

The apartment building I live in has a no pets rule. These are really closed apartments and having a pet here would definitely amount to cruelty to the pet. In any case, I've been tossing and turning and trying to get some damn sleep and not able to. Partly because of the cold weather and the good for nothing heater in my apartment. So I decided to go out for a quick walk. I put on my coat and shoes and as I walked out, what do I see but a cat sitting near the stairs. I promptly came back in and shut the door.Now I can hear the cat outside. I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Updates of all kinds

Early to bed early to rise: I am trying to get some exercise and get into bed early, to help with sleeping through the night and waking up early. Its been helping, even over the weekend! :)

No over-thinking resolve: Is working great for me! The trick is to displace those mopey or otherwise pointless streams of thought with more useful ones..like..tackling items on a to-do list. I'm getting a lot more done and feeling a lot less prone to losing myself to a train of thought that's going nowhere.

I don't think I blogged about the biggest catastrophes in lab over the last couple weeks involving dying cells and what not, but the cells are doing well now! :p

Happy Ugadi, Gudi Paadva!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Salsa

He: you can never be good at it if you don't allow your man to lead. And you clearly have issues with that.

She: I know. Lets go find a dance where the woman leads.

He: It's called life, my dear.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

On showing up early at work

I reelly don't want to jinx myself but I can't resist showing off either. The good part about acquiring a reputation for going late to work is that when you do go early, you get lots of praise and attention. So for three days in a row I've been making it into work before 9 AM. Monday I showed up at 9 or so and my boss was thrilled. Tuesday I was there at 8 AM and boss man almost turned cartwheels in excitement. Yesterday he rewarded me with more work.

While I do get more done and it puts me in a good mood, if I make it a habit then I won't get all this bhau no? But today there's lab meeting at 9 am so I have to go anyway. Whoever came up with the idea of 9 AM meetings needs to be sent to sleep-hell.

GOOD MORNING MERRY SUNSHINE! :)

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Beautiful day

I can finally see why weather is such a hot topic of conversation. After the dreary winter (the joys of experiencing my first snow and building my first snowman notwithstanding) today was the first real day of spring here. It was a lovely day. I went out for a walk and saw gardens in bloom, parents playing outside with little kids, hot guys running in banians, general cheer all over the place. Such a stark contrast from the depressing days of rain and cold and having to wear three layers before stepping out. I ambled around aimlessly, feeling uplifted about nothing in particular and everything in general. Singing to myself. Enjoying the brisk air. A distinct difference from my mood in the winter, when it was so easy to get bluesy and depressed.

I saw a little kid help his mom clean their car. Cute, I thought, smiling to myself. Such fun to walk around without a care..I thought. As I made my way home, still smiling to myself, I saw the large traffic lines and surly drivers faces. My smile turned into a grin. Such fun to walk around without a car..... :p

And as I write this post, I can hear the rain beating down. :)

I miss

The liberty to pick up the phone and call whenever. No matter if it was night or day. Here or there.
And the confidence that it would always be answered. With a smiling voice. :)

Thanks for all the suggestions

All, thanks for some great suggestions re the desi movie. (And some not so great ones- Jab we met? please! I couldn't handle that screeching banshee beyond the first few scenes. Cannot subject my friends to that!)

:p

But thanks for all the comments. This is going to be in a couple weeks from now so I'll let you know which one I pick. I'm leaning towards LRMB. MW is a great choice too but its not mainstream bollywood enough. I also showed MW to a some of my firang friends in lutom and they really enjoyed it. And I know one friend who was quite scarred after being made to watch Devdas: she could only remember "that fat lady wailing at the drop of a hat". :p DCH is nice, feel good and there's Akshaye with an E Khanna, my hearthrob. But I had an issue with that swanky lifestyle it showcased, its so not representative of average desi life. I know thats nit picky, but still.

BTW the floor's still open for suggestions.

Aside: OMG Klastos! That is one of my constant fears. But you had to delete the blog? and all the travelogues? Back up? Let me know of your new url and really sorry to hear!