Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I have crossed over to the dark side

I never understood why people put so much emphasis on getting hooked. To me, being single has always been as much as a lifestyle choice, as being in a relationship. I have seen people badly want it: want the companionship, want it as the next phase in their lives, want the TLC, or whatever being in a relationship gave them that single life didn't. I don't really remember feeling that way..which is not to say I wasn't out there, looking for my own potential mate. I did my bit and so did my parents. I was lucky in that my parents were mostly understanding about letting me do it my way, giving me my space and letting me take my time. It never became an urgent priority for me, so between phases of diligent searching (online and offline) and phases of utter disgust for the mate-finding system as it stands, especially in the Indian context, I just trudged along.

It's about a year now since I started seeing someone. The timeline is hazy though- not clear when we graduated from meeting/testing the waters to seriously dating etc. I've been sharing the news with several friends over time, and the happy/excited/relieved(!) reactions make me feel warm and as if I've achieved something. :) It only seemed fit then to share such a significant news on this blog..I decided to publish a post I wrote way back in August, but found it too personal to post then. It's a bit weird now to me reading such an old post, but its nice to be reminded of how far I've come in this relationship thingy, and why it might be such a special thing, after all. So here goes!

------Cut back to Aug 08------

I'm seeing someone. A guy who made the cut. So I guess I sorta kinda took a small leap. Small step for most people, but acknowledging a relationship is definitely a big step in my book. The decision was gradual and not easy at all. To shake myself off from my happy-uninvolved status to actually let someone through all the walls I had erected around myself was a lot of work. Its still work in progress..but I am liking it. In the beginning there were fun times, the nervous excitement and soon enough came the apprehensions and self-doubt. Predictably, I stopped it in its tracks..afraid that it was all going too fast-even after a good few months. I found that I'd rather go the whole hog than walk on egg-shells. I want the freedom to take liberties, to give, to expect, to enjoy the ride without having to impose checks. And I've met someone who has made it all appealing. In spite of all my cynicism and fear of being involved, I've come to realise that I don't have it in me to be restrained or hold back when it comes to emotions and relationships. Probably why it is always that much harder for me each time. So I let go a bit. I decided to count on my gut instinct for watching my back while I just went ahead and enjoyed myself.

Its been fun. Heady. Interesting. I am embarrassed to say I have had my moments of giggly, girlish bashfulness and excitement while discussing it with my sister and a couple close friends. They are all shocked at me. But thankfully, that doesn't go on too long.

Planning my work life now, because I can't cop out of every date due to last-minute work is going to be hard to get used to. You can blow off friends every now and then (they just stop inviting you eventually), cancel on yourself all the time, but when its a hot dude, you don't want to cancel. :p So I guess this enforcement of some organisation in my life is a very welcome change. Being answerable to another is not easy. Accommodating and making plans keeping another person in mind is very hard! I have, for the longest time, been a get-up-and-go-as-I-wish person, making my own plans, fiercely guarding my independence. The emotional entanglements are the hardest. But often they just feel like the natural next step. So I'm playing along, letting go, a little bit at a time. And seeing where it takes me..

Seriously planning a future together with someone is downright scary. So we are not going there yet. Except very subtly. It's both presumptuous and not at the same time. There are still moments I think its not late yet, I can drop everything and run out the door. Go back to my uncomplicated uninvolved life. For what? I ask myself? So I can procrastinate endlessly and live in chaos again? Yeah..there's a certain freedom to that chaos..but there's more to life than that freedom and unfettered independence...and I think I'm beginning to appreciate that all over again. That, and the chocolates. And someone to enjoy my cooking. And the ability to be unreasonable and get away with it. :) And yeah..other assorted fringe and not-so-fringe benefits of being in a relationship. ;) And as far as the fear of getting hurt goes, that does pop up every now and then. Those times I tell myself that I've seen worse, and I can deal with it much better now. But nothing comes easy, and this is something I am willing to work for, to take risks, to put myself out there.

OMG OMG OMG! she said "relationship"! THRICE! *faints*

---------------
:)

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

abe, ullu dikhta hai lein wo bilkul. I think he is rejected maal.

Sakshi said...

"And yeah..other assorted fringe and not-so-fringe benefits of being in a relationship."

Do tell. In detail. You made it mush, take it a step further :D

Anonymous said...

Sakshi,

This is a family oriented blog. The first one would be called Tinnu.

tgfi said...

anony,
i repeat, eff off.

sakshi,
family-blog indeed. note the use of eff instead of fuck.

Silvara said...

LOL. Congrats anyways - long overdue.

Have many more moments of revelling in relationhsip induced mush :P

La vida Loca said...

congrats!!!

chirpy-paaro said...

Congrats dear!!! HAve fun!!

ferret said...

congratulations!!! :)
and yes we can read some more mush and more.

shub said...

Totally saw this one coming! :P Hugs! :D

Gradwolf said...

That explains B, I guess!

Congrats!

About hooking up being a big deal, tell me about it. It has become some kind of an insecurity. There is a fear of too little too late among many people. You look around you everyone being committed and as you age, the pool drastically comes down. This is a topic that can be a blog post in itself. But why steal your moment! It's great that you don't try to fit into a mould and routine way of life. It's kinda scary when people start talking with hard pragmaticism and you wonder if you are the loser.

Congrats!

satish said...

Awwwwwww..

best of luck!

satish said...

i liked your post on my kinda guy. i hope he makes you realise that there are so many points that you missed.

greensatya said...

Congrats ! so one more person down the line of relationship..have a happy journey !

tgfi said...

thanks y'all. ;)
gradwolf, yeah i know that bit about being in the minority pool..and everyone trying to pull you over to the other side. ..

satish,
hehehe. lets see. thats wny my list had E & OE at the bottom. :)

Arpz said...

:)

congratulations.

Tabula Rasa said...

oh no! how much shallower can you get?!

shikha said...

:)
:)
:)
:)
.
.
.
.
.
:)
Still smiling.
So happy for you. And can so identify with it! :)

See...still smiling! :))

All the best...

rocdude said...

All the best !

satish said...

errors and omissions excepted, is it?

i have learnt so much from your blog.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

Thanks again, folks. there i go, again feeling like its an achievement of sorts :).

Prof TR, I don't know how much more shallow. I am going to keep trying. :)

Pri said...

this is excellent news. i will dispatch a flat bouquet right away. you like gold trimming?

mazhalai said...

ill just ditto what shikha said!!
{hugs}

Sayesha said...

:)))))))))))))))))))

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

Pri,
no I don't. Why don't you just start blogging regularly instead???

mazhalai, Sayesha,
:) thanks.

Raj said...

Hey, congrats!

You sound really happy in the post! :)

Boy said...

Very happy for you ...
This post made my day. :)

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

Raj,
thanks, I am happy..

Boy,
:) it did? nice. :) thanks!

Born a Libran said...

Congrats TGFI...

That explains B right? Or B stands for Plan B? Sorry... cudn't resist the pun... Am happy for both of u...

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

libran
thanks. happy for both of who? me and plan B, or me and B? :)

backpacker said...

:)

don't know you, but that did make me smile. and hopeful that it's possible to let the wall down.

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

backpacker,
:) glad to have spread the awareness.

happy trails...

Ms Taggart said...

I just read this, and thank God, you blogged about it! :)
Really awesome to see a girly girl giggling and cooching-cooing ... :P

Padmaja said...

Aah, another one bites the dust...