I am learning that one of the first steps to coping with a long-distance relationship and all that it brings with it is acknowledging the fact that it is hard, and it affects my daily life. For the longest time I tried to insist that I shouldn't let this LDR affect my performance at work. My constant argument used to be: it should be just the same as it was before I met B. I lived alone, worked hard, did well, and was generally happy. I could accommodate for the blues, the missing etc. etc. but not for it to influence with my performance in any significant way or make its way into all parts of my life.
But it has. Things add up. While I used to enjoy cooking earlier, after cooking together with B, one of our favourite things to do, it plain sucks to go into the kitchen and cook for myself. So I avoid it everyday, feel miserable and loserly about it, bring migraines upon myself, and finally drag myself to eat some rubbish and make it through the night. Rinse and repeat everyday. All the while feeling like such a failure at this very simple act of making myself a meal.
On nice sunny fridays like this, it sucks to watch everyone hurry up and leave work looking forward to spending their evenings and weekends with their significant others, while I have no fun plans. I always maintained that the city is a great place to hang out for one alone, but I have done enough of it now. I tried making some friends but haven't gotten too far with that- heck- these days I am not too great at even keeping the ones I have, so I might as well give up on that project too.
Then, I am regularly disappointed in myself at work, never able to live up to my own lofty standards- and not sure what it is that drags me down and eats into my motivation on a daily basis.
But now I realise the need to accept that not being with B is contributing to a large part of my overall unhappiness and that it will influence all aspects of my life. So if I factor in this setback, and cut myself some slack, I might actually do better and feel better, instead of insisting that I need to be performing at my optimal levels and mad at myself for not being able to do it.
I stumbled upon these lines by http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fritz_Perls and they rang a bell...Indeed - all the times I have found another it has been beautiful- and the times I have not - it can't be helped, can it? That's that.
I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
I have a happy doctor story to share for a change. I met my knee doctor and explained to her that coming in for physical therapy every few days was proving to be a huge drain on my finances thanks to my stupid insurance and high copay. She totally sympathised with me, so had the physical therapist come in and teach me some exercises I could do unsupervised in gym, suggested some substitutes for some of the equipment they used in the clinic, and asked me to keep at it 4 days a week. It feels great to have such a positive experience.
"Woh sari ka blouse diya tha tailoring ke liye- ready hai kya?" - when I uttered these words, they rang of marriage preparations like no other. :)