I am full of mixed feelings these days. They say its natural with the wedding approaching. People ask me if I am excited- yes, I am. But it is not pure unadulterated excitement. There's excitement for seeing B after six odd months, excitement for us being married and excitement for the wedding. There's an accompanying feeling of concern for the financial drain the wedding is on my parents, the worry about when and where and how both B and I will find jobs in the city we want to move to to care best for his dad, and, how life is going to be once we get there- leaving my cosy life in the US, my sis, b-i-l and niece , and all those travel plans in the US that never materialized- dealing with R2I and dealing with his dad's ailment. And finally, how it is going to be- married life and all that it brings with it..
At least in my case, I have a few more months to worry about the move and R2I. So this trip, I can try and focus on the happies- enjoy the wedding, now that the financial damages are already done- enjoy the precious time I get to spend with B, and then come back and work on the next phase. But its easier said than done, to compartmentalize thoughts in that way. Especially when, the very things you are working on and hoping to achieve, come along with the package of bigger challenges.
Well. Life is like that eh? I have always marveled at how I had things easy in life. I enjoyed the support of my family to follow my dreams, my sister in the US to hand hold me and watch my back and never really had a rough patch- except the post-doc in Philly. I think that phase is beginning to give way to a more challenging one now...
I have not been able to focus on work at all in the past few days. Part of it is the excitement of upcoming events- there's bags to be packed, a honeymoon to be planned, shopping to be done, a bachelorette party to be enjoyed- and experiments? What experiments? :) Another part of it was this nagging worry that I was not enjoying this pure unadulterated feeling of excitement- that all these other issues were nagging me..but I am beginning to realise that its ok- its ok to be a bit worried about what the future holds..anyone would be. I hope that B and I can together work our way through all of this and enjoy the good things that also lie ahead.