The stress is setting in. And I am aware that I might be making it out to be more than what it is. But thats the way it is. A friend once told me I thrive on stress. If I don't stress like crazy, I totally let loose and unwind and don't get anything done. Or, at least I'm afraid that will happen. So I have to keep feeling this horrible overhanging tension, terror, feel like I have gotten nothing done and what not.
But the truth is that I have been working hard the past few months. It hasn't come together at the end, in time for this talk, the way I was really hoping it would. And that is really not my fault. The machine is broken. So I will have to let it go at that. Eventually I will have all this wonderful data that I can analyze for bigger reasons such as a publication- which is really what the end goal is.
And then, the overwhelming worry of not being able to give a good talk- of feeling small in front of the classy audience that is always giving great talks...I need to just get it out of my system. It is inconsequential. I go up there, I talk about what I have for 15 minutes, end of story. A great talk with awesome data would get some oohs. Mostly, though, people are thinking about pizza after. And what am I so worried about making an impression with the crowd that I am going to be a part of for only another few months? It does not matter. There are bigger and better and more important milestones, and I need to keep the big picture in mind and stop psyching myself out into feeling like crap.
SO THERE. I woke up this morning badly feeling the need for a pep talk of some kind- i think I have given it to myself. I need to shake it off, go about my list, not worry about outcome, and not worry about how the talk will reflect on me. Its not the be all and end all of my academic trajectory: far from.