Monday, March 21, 2011

W O M M

All kinds of stuff on my mind. Am distracted and irritable at work. I know its because I was here past midnight yesterday.

A lot of my work these days is dependent on other people and it irritates me to have to wait for them to get to my stuff. Some waiting I understand, after all everybody has their plates full all the time, but after a point it gets frustrating. I cannot do anything but twiddle my thumbs and hope that they bring my work to the top of their list soon.

Then, I suffer from a horrible case of inertia. It takes me FOREVER to revisit projects that are lagging behind, kept on hold in the freezer. I really need to work on this and get over it, because all this down-time that I spend waiting for others can be used in pushing ahead these forgotten projects, which are equally necessary and at this point, equally urgent. I have to stop compartmentalizing so much.

In a few months I will be moving to India- my husband and I are going to live together with his father, who has a neurodegenerative disorder and currently lives alone with no one to care for him. Time and again, I have people coming up and telling me- "its going to be really hard for you". I am a bit tired of these comments, even though I realise they come from concerned well-wishers. Other people ask us if we considered alternatives- like old-age homes or living separately down the street from my father-in-law instead of moving in with him. You know what- if I had it my way- my father-in-law would never have had this problem, my husband and I would never have had to make the compromises we're making and we'd carry on our jolly life in the U.S. or in India, wherever we ended up.

But it is not so. The whole idea of moving back is to care for my father-in-law. I have no illusions about moving back, and living with someone whose brain function is compromised and is going to get progressively worse. I have no experience either- just like most of the people that warn me about how tough it will be. But I also know that a person suffering from such a disorder needs the company, care and support of his children, and not the loneliness of living alone and fending for himself, or amongst other old people. And I know that if I were in my husband's place, I'd want to do the same for my parent and would expect complete support from my husband. And I don't have the time or effort to tell all my concerned well-wishers this. Sometimes I wish people thought a bit before spouting these statements. May be put themselves in my shoes before making these comments that don't achieve anything. I am not touched by their concern for me. I am just reminded of the complications that lie ahead and that does not really help. I'd rather focus on what colour curtains I plan to get in our new place.

Our plan is to be able to provide the best care we can for my FIL. We are also aware that we cannot always be the ones making sacrifices, so we are hoping to balance it out with some support (hopefully from the same concerned well-wishers :)) , and with the understanding that in some instances my FIL, despite his condition, may have to be the one to make a few compromises, go through some hardship, on account of us. And we're hoping to strike a happy balance. This is life.




4 comments:

Sangi said...

Can help with the colour of curtains, if you are moving to Bangalore! And nice lovely fabric that's an 'only in India' phenomenon at wholesale prices! :-D

There are options now - one can get nurses to live in. You actually have the best case scenario, if one has to go through something like this in the first place. Living across can mean you don't know what the assistant's doing! This way, you can supervise and get help. Your FIL's pretty fortunate to have you guys and I am sure you will just grow as a person yourself - an experience like this has to be looked at sunny side up!

You got a PhD....you can do this!

Deeps said...

I really admire you guys on your decision to be there for your FIL when he needs you. And I ditto Sangi, he's fortunate to have you. And if the going gets tough, you always have the option of getting help in some way or the other (unlike US).

Keep up the spirits and don't let a few naggers bring you down :).

The_Girl_From_Ipanema said...

Sangi,

yeah! will totally take you up on the curtain-colour-picking-help offer. :) & Thanks for the vote of confidence. :)

Deeps,

A BIG CONGRATS to you..and thanks. Yes, we're looking forward to availing of the support system in India.

Anonymous said...

Chanced upon your blog... Nice thoughts that reflect a balanced mind :-) Wish you happiness and success in all your endeavours....