Wednesday, February 29, 2012

W O M M

I need to admit that I suffer from pangs of baby-envy every now and then. When I see little babies, when I hear of friends having a baby...etc. Luckily for us, we do not have too many nosy relatives asking us when we plan on having one- because we dont know the answer to that.

Settling down for us seems like its going to be a long process. 2.5 years in the country and my husband hates it. Me- not as much. I do get tired/frustrated and miss the lot easier and streamlined American way of life but am a lot more tolerant to India than he is. And I dont necessarily hold it against him. Different experiences, different thresholds, different people. But the unhappiness eventually wears you down and it is hard for me to remain positive and derive joys from where I can when I see him as unhappy. Where is the room for a kid in all of this?

Ofcourse, convoluted with this is the situation with my FILs dementia. My husband deals with him much more than I do on a daily basis. He comes home for lunch everyday, and is home an hour or two earlier than me in the evenings. He is completely worn out just from that. I dont blame him there either. I remember how it was the first month when I got back and was job hunting and staying at home all day. Dealing with my FILs repeatedly asking you the same question and reacting to it each time as if its the first time he was hearing that- is enough to drive you insane. So far, thats pretty much it. It is only going to get worse. Currently we cannot even go away for an extended period of time because he is dependent upon us for some really basic functions- like opening the door in the morning and taking the milk inside. We have very little space (mental) or time to ourselves while living with him. So where is the space for a kid in all of this?

I dont know. I dont know if I want one that badly either. Its just that I feel bad for myself, for not being able to think of it more freely than I can, given all these complications. If I had none of these issues would I have gone right ahead and had a baby? I dont know. May be.

Anyhow- after taking my FIL with us on 3 out-of-town trips, B and I finally could take a short trip together, - just the two of us- a couple weeks ago. We went away for one night for a friends wedding. It was such a relief to travel together, without the stress of dealing with my FIL, of minding his step for him, making sure he doesnt wander off, step into a hole or stumble over stone because his field of vision just stays straight ahead while walking etc. etc. It was a wonderful break. Our maid stepped up really well to the plate, and took good care of my FIL for the two days. I hope we can do this more often now.

Oh well, where would I go if I didnt have the blog to vent to? Feels better already.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hugs TGFI! It's good to hear from you after so long here. We're here whenever you need to vent out. Hoping you get to do more such trips.
Would love to meet you whenever i make a trip to your city, or if you happen to be in hyderabad sometime let me know.
-Ferret

Anonymous said...

*Hugs*
Heres hoping you get to do more of those trips and Yays for a good maid. They come by rarely.

Neihal

Anonymous said...

Don't worry TGFI.I can understand the frustration. All the good deeds will do you good one day. So keeping hoping and praying and I'm sure you and B will be able to enjoy your life together.

-Rashmi

binaryfootprints said...

TGFI can also mean Thank God For India!!! Moving back takes a huge chunk of energy and just trying to not make ourselves feel miserable or pessimistic about the move is enough to create this gaping hole in the head. You are doing amazing coping up with everything. Ask your husband to write down three things that he is happy about in India every night...very "Eat, pray, Love" but don't tell him that. It might help you if he is able to see even a few positives. There are people who can come and take care of older folksfor a couple of days if you need. I mean my in laws live in Bombay and I can find out from them if you are interested..I moved last year too..to chennai, not very far. A baby will happen when it is meant to. That is one thing I've realized. The best times are often when none of the ducks are in a row and the chips all over the place, so don't plan..just be.

binaryfootprints said...

TGFI can also mean Thank God For India!!! Moving back takes a huge chunk of energy and just trying to not make ourselves feel miserable or pessimistic about the move is enough to create this gaping hole in the head. You are doing amazing coping up with everything. Ask your husband to write down three things that he is happy about in India every night...very "Eat, pray, Love" but don't tell him that. It might help you if he is able to see even a few positives. There are people who can come and take care of older folksfor a couple of days if you need. I mean my in laws live in Bombay and I can find out from them if you are interested..I moved last year too..to chennai, not very far. A baby will happen when it is meant to. That is one thing I've realized. The best times are often when none of the ducks are in a row and the chips all over the place, so don't plan..just be.

Tachyoson said...

glad to hear your "voice" on the blog.

ditto on the baby envy.

and yes, i can understand,somewhat, how vast yawns the gulf between life over "there" and over "here" ...

Pri said...

Hey you. Look at you all grown up. :)