Wednesday, February 29, 2012

W O M M

I need to admit that I suffer from pangs of baby-envy every now and then. When I see little babies, when I hear of friends having a baby...etc. Luckily for us, we do not have too many nosy relatives asking us when we plan on having one- because we dont know the answer to that.

Settling down for us seems like its going to be a long process. 2.5 years in the country and my husband hates it. Me- not as much. I do get tired/frustrated and miss the lot easier and streamlined American way of life but am a lot more tolerant to India than he is. And I dont necessarily hold it against him. Different experiences, different thresholds, different people. But the unhappiness eventually wears you down and it is hard for me to remain positive and derive joys from where I can when I see him as unhappy. Where is the room for a kid in all of this?

Ofcourse, convoluted with this is the situation with my FILs dementia. My husband deals with him much more than I do on a daily basis. He comes home for lunch everyday, and is home an hour or two earlier than me in the evenings. He is completely worn out just from that. I dont blame him there either. I remember how it was the first month when I got back and was job hunting and staying at home all day. Dealing with my FILs repeatedly asking you the same question and reacting to it each time as if its the first time he was hearing that- is enough to drive you insane. So far, thats pretty much it. It is only going to get worse. Currently we cannot even go away for an extended period of time because he is dependent upon us for some really basic functions- like opening the door in the morning and taking the milk inside. We have very little space (mental) or time to ourselves while living with him. So where is the space for a kid in all of this?

I dont know. I dont know if I want one that badly either. Its just that I feel bad for myself, for not being able to think of it more freely than I can, given all these complications. If I had none of these issues would I have gone right ahead and had a baby? I dont know. May be.

Anyhow- after taking my FIL with us on 3 out-of-town trips, B and I finally could take a short trip together, - just the two of us- a couple weeks ago. We went away for one night for a friends wedding. It was such a relief to travel together, without the stress of dealing with my FIL, of minding his step for him, making sure he doesnt wander off, step into a hole or stumble over stone because his field of vision just stays straight ahead while walking etc. etc. It was a wonderful break. Our maid stepped up really well to the plate, and took good care of my FIL for the two days. I hope we can do this more often now.

Oh well, where would I go if I didnt have the blog to vent to? Feels better already.