I am returning to blogging because
I need a space to record honestly and hold myself accountable.
On a particularly low day, I took a sick day off and just sat and re-read several pages of this forgotten blog of mine.
Was a big help - I went from wallowing in self-loathing to reliving the past 5-6 years of our lives. Ended up feeling very proud of how B and I dealt with all the various challenges that came our way, and how we evolved from it. Also made me nostalgic and made me miss my dear FIL.
For the past many months, I have, as I am wont to be, been very hard on B and myself for having not got our sh** together about the whole having a child business. Reading this blog made me realize, how it came to be that way. It's not entirely unreasonable, given everything else that we dealt with. It's easy to forget how hard some things were, when we are past it, and reduce it to "oh, a lot of people took care of a sick parent and made babies". But it's really never that simple, is it?
Fast forward a few years later to where we are now. Moved again, almost 2 years ago, after B's father passed away. In my mind, I thought this would be the big break for us personally, and B would enjoy the new role he took up. Quite the opposite. The move backfired pretty badly - B hated his new job, eventually quitting it, and staying unemployed for a few months before better opportunities came his way. If I thought R2I was hard, this was a whole different challenge. New place, steeply expensive, no semblance of a support system and intense regret for leaving family and a decent gig behind us. Add to that pile, whittling away remnants of your fast disappearing fertile months in this quagmire of stress and unhappiness.
Upside- I lost 5 kilos. Heh..
Anyhow. The best piece of advice I got, during this time was, "de-catastrophize". And I tried to make that my mantra. It can be very helpful.
And now here we are again. B is quite happy in a new job with a great bunch of people. I'm still finding my bearings at mine, but if there's anything I learned from B's experiences, good opportunities take their time coming, but you got to be ready to receive them when they do come, by being on top of your game and keeping your self-esteem intact. So wallowing and being morose ain't helping. Onward and upward.
I celebrated my 4-0, we decided we really did want to have a child, and ..took a step towards registering for adoption.
I think that's the best thing we did. Sure, there's a lot of fear, trepidation, uncertainty, worry about the lateness of it all. But I think we will be fine.